Incredible Failure (aka: why I hate the scale)

I had an internal meltdown at the gym this morning. After doing cardio and some strength training, I made the mistake of getting on the scale. I say mistake because I know am gaining muscle mass, hence that number may not actually reflect what is actually happening to my brain. In fact, I know this is true because after doing some measurements, I have lost inches.

In any case, I am at the gym, trying not to cry as I step off the scale. And in a fit of panic, I jumped back on the treadmill and stared running and running and running. I didn’t know what I was truly going to accomplish by doing this. So I eventually stopped, but I kind of feel like I’ve hit the bottom. I need to regain control again.

But on top of this – I know this isn’t going to be the last breakdown I am going to have. There are going to be obstacles that I am going to have to overcome. I don’t know what they are yet, but they are there.

Yesterday at the blogger meet-up, we had to write down a fear about the journey. My fear is not having the support I need to stay on my journey. I sometimes think that the people I see most often don’t “get it” – they are either naturally skinny or have figured out what they are doing.

I hope that by blogging, I am able to find the support I need.

(also – my next post will feature my dog!)

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I Love Carbs

Who doesn’t love carbs? If you are out there shaking your head as you read this you are one of two things: crazy or a liar. I came home today, starving after a wonderful even thanks to Jen over at Prior Fat Girl. So where do I go? The first thing in sight. A handful of pretzels followed by a handful of chips. I honestly can’t wait to move out of my parents’ place because then I won’t have those things staring at me every time I need instant gratification. I’m embarrassed to admit that I do not have better control over myself. But I don’t. I guess that is why I am human.

Tonight I had a delicious dinner of Smart One’s Santa Fe Style Rice & Beans. Yes, I know I really went all out tonight for dinner. But it was actually quite delicious!

I absolutely admit that I am not good at making dinner for myself. It usually ends up being a Lean Cuisine or a Smart One’s. Another thing that will change once I move out.  I won’t be sharing food spaces with three other people. I know it sounds crazy, but I think one of the biggest road blocks for me right now is my living situation. It seems like a cop-out excuse, but come on, if there are cookies, I can’t say no. I am such a sweets fiend; which admittedly is probably one of my biggest problems in the first place.

Well, I am going to have some great products to write about coming up. I can’t wait! So, stay tuned.

Water, need more water!

I have never been a person who drinks water. I tend to only drink it when I am dying of thirst. Based on this, I also am aware of how incredibly dehydrated I most likely am. I know a huge piece of losing weight and being healthy is drinking water. So, I am going to attempt to bring more water into my life. I keep a water bottle on my nightstand. Before I go to bed each night, I am drinking a full bottle and in the morning before I go to work. I also keep a large water bottle at my desk at work. My plan is to attempt to drink one whole bottle before lunch and one in the afternoon. I have also been the girl who adds the Wyler’s flavored sugars to my water as well. You know – the one’s from Walgreens. So even more beyond that – I am attempting to drink….WATER. I am hoping to surprise myself at how easy this may become.

Tonight, I surprised myself at the gym. I used the stair-stepper,  elliptical and treadmill. I felt like I was going to die after, but I also LOVE when I feel like I am going to die. This is how I know I have truly worked. I also love when I wake up in the morning and my muscles ache and all I want to do is stay in bed all day. I mean, it stinks and I would rather not ache – but I know when I ache it means I have worked a new muscle group and THAT is good.

So, my plan is to post a photo once a month. I am hoping to see enough progress that posting a photo once a month will be good. I think this will keep me in check because quite frankly, I don’t want to post a photo once a month and see no change. You, my friends, are keeping me honest and keeping me in check.

So, here is me this month:

Feb. 2010

Changes

I honestly had not realized how far I had come. The picture below is a representation of the changes that have occurred in the last year:

I have to take this moment to be excited over the changes. I say this because I spend so much time being angry at myself for being the way that I am. I am so angry that I am fat and so angry that I was not born thin. And more importantly, so ANGRY that I cannot seem to get control over this. But when I was looking through pictures and saw this, I was almost in awe. And was proud at the changes that have happened in over a year. It might not look like much, but man alive, I really let food run my life. And this is the proof that I need that I can overcome this and I can do this. I can make the right choices and I have control to reach my goals.

I can, I can, I can.

The Weigh-In on Frustrations:

The inevitable happened yesterday.  I had my first measurements since I started getting down to the bone with attempting to be healthy. I was however, pleasantly surprised! I have reduced inches in almost all areas except my legs are bigger now. Which is okay – it just means more muscle.

I will say that I was really nervous going into the gym yesterday because I was quite fearful that I would not have lost inches. That being said, I had a really good, sweaty workout yesterday. I am sore like heck today so I took the day off and tomorrow I am going to hit the gym. Now that I know I have made progress I need to keep going. I know I have it in me to do this and to lost the weight and get fit just like I said I would.

For myself personally, I have found it is difficult when I have an off week. If life doesn’t let me get to the gym when I want to, I am always eating on the go and just feel gross. I was actually having one of the those weeks this week. I had barely been the gym, was eating popcorn for lunch and had things going on nearly every night. It’s not even that I mind being busy, but I can’t get myself up in the morning to go to the gym because I am already waking up at 5am just to get to work on time. Okay, fine, I am waking up at 5:30. Then if I have conflicts in the evening, it becomes incredibly frustrating.

My goal for myself this week is to not let my life control me, but to control my life. I know I can. I can eat right, go to the gym when I want to and not feel frustrated.

Here is to a fantastic week of eating!

Welcome, warm weekend.

I guess I have to laugh at my own title for my blog being that it definitely is not warm by most standards. But it is 30 degrees, which is like summer right about now. It snowed all night – I just peeked out the window and it is like a winter wonderland out there! Kind of exciting.

My body is still aching from a workout earlier this week. I need to get my butt to the gym this weekend though. By the time I was finished with my errands last night, the roads were awful and I was tired so I opted out of the gym. Bad, Cindy, bad. On top of that, I am pretty sure I did not eat like a champ yesterday. Ah the regrets of lunches provided by visiting vendors. I think eating in a corporate setting is such a different struggle. I don’t want to be that girl who is “too good” to eat the provided lunch at meetings, etc. but it is all about being careful as to what is put in my mouth. Guess what? I probably didn’t need to put the cookie that was provided as dessert into my mouth yesterday, but I did. The second I ate it – I was thinking it was a fairly bad idea. But it’s done now and I can only move forward and make better decisions today, tomorrow and so forth. I will probably continue to have weak moments for a while.

Since this is a health blog, it only seems right to remind everyone that today is National Wear Red Day. Hear disease is the NUMBER ONE KILLER in women. It’s so important to raise heightened awareness around this issue and to make sure those around you know. So break our your red t-shirts, sweatshirt, sweaters, coats, headbands, shoes – everything! to show your support. If you are interested in reading more information, please visit http://goredforwomen.org/wearredday.

Oh, and welcome this nice warm weekend. I could not be happier the week is practically over.