Sometimes, when I catch my reflection in the mirror I think the following:
YOU ARE SO FAT.
And, it is so painful to even think that. But I look at my friends and co-workers and I always feel like the fat lady out, versus the odd lady out. Yet, sometimes I can’t help but shovel crap into my mouth. Sometimes it’s because I just am craving chocolate, sometimes it’s because it is just THERE, so why not eat it? But sometimes, it is because something horrible or stressful happens and first thought in my head is, “I need chocolate. I need potato chips. I need to shovel food into my mouth to make myself feel better.”
I have an incredible food obsession. Good or bad, I do. I am always thinking about food. Not necessarily just to think about it, but I’ll have a meal and then my brain has already moved forward to the next meal or snack. So I’m going to venture that it is an obsession. I am not sure where it stems from. Personally, I think it is because I am constantly battling with myself over my outside shell. How do I look? Do I look fat? Do I look ugly? How’s my hair?
I was very lucky growing up. I had braces earlier than everyone else, no zits, I was tiny (minus puberty, but that doesn’t count, right?) and then around my junior year of high school, I started “growing into myself” as I like to say and I’ve been a wreck ever since. And I can’t pinpoint why, but I know this:
I HAVE to move on from this.
Life is not about how you look (or it shouldn’t be) and the fact of the matter is: I am not healthy and I need to get healthy. So, here is my plan:
- Track what I eat. Every little piece of anything that goes into my mouth. I have to write it down.
- Plan my meals: if I know what I am going to be eating, then maybe I’ll stop thinking about it less.
- DRINK WATER. I’ve always been a terrible drinker of water and now it is time to start!
- Work out 4-5 times a week. I have already worked out 4 days this week and it felt GOOD. My energy is different and higher and I love it.
I hope that I can keep up with all of these things because, this is my health I am talking about and I am not healthy as I write this today.