So my dad said the magic words tonight, “Want to have Chipotle for dinner?” Mexican food and chocolate are my trigger foods. If I even THINK the word chocolate or tacos, my life is pretty much downhill from there. I struggle with trigger foods because I know I should not eat them, but they are SO GOOD. Hope did a great vlog the other day about deprivation. I did the deprivation thing once. It actually works fantastically until one day I said, “Well, one piece of chocolate won’t hurt.” And now here I am where I just think the word chocolate and I’m like a gremlin, you guys. It’s terrible. So, don’t do it. It just turns whatever you give up into your trigger foods.
This week has been good from an exercise front. I met my favorite ladies, Mary, Jen, Alexa and Meghan to walk on Monday around Lake Calhoun. Now, let me say something about these women. They are in one word: amazing. I’ve only known them for maybe a month or so and the connect I feel like I have is completely irreplaceable. Maybe it’s because they get the healthy journey and the ups and downs and how much it can suck. Maybe it’s because they push me to continue and stay on my path. And quite frankly, maybe it’s just because they are AWESOME. I feel like I have my own Ya-Ya Sisterhood. So, I full embrace how incredibly corny this paragraph was. But, I digress. I’m not deleting it.
So, some days, I have great make-up application days. Some days I have great outfit days, hair days and the list goes on. Well, today, I had amazing bang day . It was like, “Damn, Gina.” Only, my name is Cindy, and I know that. In any case, this was really quite exciting given the circumstances that most days I have a hard time looking in the mirror and saying, “You are beautiful. I don’t know what it is. Deep down I know I don’t believe that, but for the most part I really kind of do. I grew up with this sick understanding of what “beautiful” means. I grew up in schools where what was on the outside was more than likely more important than what was going on inside. And let me tell you, I have not always been a woman of great substance so I spent my days ogling over what was not right in the mirror. I’ve gotten to a point where I can be “okay” with my own reflection, but sometimes, I still feel like I am sixteen when it comes to my body image issues. Most days I feel good about where I’ve landed at this point in my journey, but man. There are days that before I even make out the door in the morning, every single piece of clothing is on my floor and I have shed many tears and all I want to do is go to bed. And you know what? In most social situations, I compare myself to women based on my body proportion size.
Wow. I think I just threw up on this page. I think this is where I end for now. It feels good to write these things down sometimes.