I had a couple people ask recently why I haven’t been blogging. And here is the short answer:
I AM AN EMOTIONAL MESS.
When things ended with Adam right away, I did what most people do – I dove into the next thing. Spending time with friends (almost obsessively), going out for drinks, drinks and more drinks. And then I stopped. I let myself stop for just one moment and I crashed. The tears came, my heart pounded and anxiety wrapped around my insides. And once I started crying, I couldn’t stop. I’d cry on the way to work. I’d cry on the way home. I’d cry silently at my desk at work. Just tears running down my cheeks. I’d come home, lay in bed and sob and sob and sob uncontrollably. I only seemed to not cry when I was asleep. So I did everything I could to keep myself asleep. It kind of scares me to even say that. I was eating one meal a day – if that. This really meant my morning coffee and a bite or two of my lunch and nothing else. I was probably working off those calories at the gym at night.
I can’t explain what happened, nor can I begin to understand the why, but it did. I fell apart and let myself be a mess because I needed to be. Adam said during our break-up, “You are afraid to let people see you as less than perfect.” Guess what WORLD, (or, my readers, anyway) I am NOT perfect. I am so less than perfect it isn’t even funny. I underestimate myself and I am overweight. I don’t know what I am doing with my life and am unhappy with my current work affair (not a real affair, but you get my point.) There are so many things wrong with what I am doing with my life that if I let myself dwell, I’d probably want to curl up and sleep forever.
But that mess – the girl with the tears, the girl with a black heart – she’s trying to leave now.