Shitty things happen in life, right? We lose loved ones, we fail exams in school, we don’t make the “varsity” team in sports. We don’t land the “dream” job the first time around. And I think about this blog. I think it’s really shitty that I’m not healthy. I mean, sure I’m trying to turn things around, but it’s still crappy. I wish I was healthy and that I was exactly where I want to be. But I’m not.
I received an e-mail from my good friend Alexa tonight:
I just saw your comment, and for some reason it has me in emotional tears.
I love you to pieces, I’m so glad we’ve become friends, you are so blunt and honest. Life is great with you as a friend!
Life is all about the paths we take, the decisions we make and the relationships we build. Right? Right. So I think about this journey I am on right now; and I would not know Alexa were it not for this journey and if it wasn’t for my amazing friend Jen’s journey, I wouldn’t know Jen OR Alexa.
So while I think anyone who is on any kind of path to better themselves (it’s a lot of kicking, screaming, crying, frustration, anger) it’s important to see those upsides once in a while. So I think, in all honesty, if I had to decide, I would do things the same over and over again if it meant I would end up here with friends like these. Quite frankly, my friends, I would not survive most days without them.
I am one lucky lady.
I was at dinner the other night with my friend Jen. I mentioned how eating is the hardest part of this journey and I hope at some point I struggle less. I know temptation will always be there and you can’t deny yourself anything.
I will never forget about 1.5 years ago. I denied myself sweets. Chocolate, ice cream, candy – you name it, I stuck my nose up at it. I quite frankly, was so impressed with my own ability to say no or find healthier replacements so I didn’t feel like I was completely missing out. One day, I allowed myself to have something sweet and oh man, I was like a gremlin. And not only was I like a gremlin but a new love for sweets was welcomed into my life.
Because of that experience, I no longer deprive myself of anything. It just leads to worse habits. Obviously, no, I’m not saying you should eat ice cream every day (well, maybe you should.) or that if you have a french fry craving every single day, that you heed the call. I’m simply saying that we are human and we all have cravings and our bodies generally don’t let go of the cravings. It’s okay to give in, really. You won’t die. In fact, sometimes, if I know that I want something that is 500 calories, I eat it, enjoy it and get my butt to the gym that night to work off those calories. OH THE JOYS OF WORKING OUT!
But you know what? I still enjoy things like this:
And when I eat a salad, I never, ever feel like I am missing out on something else. And THAT, is a good feeling.
So, on Monday night, I was at the gym. I was truckin’ along on the elliptical at a steady pace. A fast one, but steady. I’m in competition with myself, you see. Last week, I quickened cut off three minutes of elliptical time. So, of course now I want to see how much I can continue to cut off. So I’ll do one “fast” mile (for me) and then slow down a bit. In any case, even at my fast speed, I’ve been hitting 175-180 for my heart rate.
Fast forward to last night – I was about three minutes into my workout and my heart rate jumped to 200-207. I would say for the 10-11 minutes it took me to do my first mile it ranged from 196-207. Is this okay? Is it strange? I honestly have no idea. I’m only concerned because I was working out at the same intensity last week and it did not have the same effect.
This is my plea to understand what is going on with my workout.
On a lighter note – I worked out 5 days last week and it felt amazing. Getting there is always the part, but I did it and it felt good. I even did a 5am workout one day! I’m on fire.
The gym is like my Cheers Bar. Whenever I go there, all the trainers/owners, etc. say hello and they know me pretty well.
I fell off the face of the earth in December as far as the gym is concerned. Between the holidays being just crazy and with my friend’s death, I always found a reason to go home after work and curl up in bed and not go to the gym. In retrospect, I wonder how I would have coped differently had I not let myself stop living.
Whenever I am done with a workout I look like this:
Okay, maybe not. Sometimes I look like this:
But on the inside, I feel much of what was happening in the first picture. In fact, I called a friend after my workout this morning and he said:
I love talking to you after you workout. You just sound so happy and I know you worked out. I don’t even need to see your sweat.
I thought that was so silly at first, but damn it was true. Working out just lifts whatever gross feelings I had before. If I’m mad, I run faster, lift more – and then when I’m done, I just feel like a weight has been lifted. No pun intended!
How do you feel after your workouts?
So I have learned over the past couple of weeks that people actually read this here blog. If you tried to read my blog, you couldn’t. For more reasons than one. Well, actually, only one. I adjusted the privacy settings while I was going through some pretty difficult times.
It’s funny (well, actually, it’s not funny) – I had finally gotten to this point where I was over Adam, moving on. Dating a decent guy and boom. One of my best friends in the whole world died unexpectedly. Talk about turning your life upside down. I was shocked, confused, mad, sad – the whole gambit. And the thing of it is, every time I talked to her, she mentioned this blog and how proud she was of me for making changes and being healthy. So there was a large part of me that just wanted nothing to do with this blog. But, she’d hate knowing I did that.
So here I am. Trying, yet AGAIN to get my life on track. It’s been a very hard month of trying to keep myself as busy as possible and that lead to eating as terrible as I possibly could, honestly. But I guess this my leaf. At least, I’m trying to make it my leaf.
I went to the gym tonight and it felt good. I cried after my workout. I don’t know. The problem with big moments in life when they are tied to you emotionally is that you don’t know what is going to break you. So I can never be too sure when something will remind me of Scheri.
Tonight, I sleep and again at 5am, I work out and it’s going to feel amazing.