thanksgiving.

about

I started my plan on Monday. Which meant three days of a cleanse and today was the first day “on plan.” (I’ll share more about what that means another day.) What a day for my first day to be on plan. It really meant that my husband ate for the both of us together. I kid, slightly. I enjoyed some turkey, sweet potatoes and a roll.

I had internal struggles throughout the day. My brain wanted wine because hello, it’s the holidays. But I enjoyed a La Croix water instead. I feel like I wait all year for my dad’s mashed potatoes. They are literally the best and I wait all year. ALL YEAR. But I knew eating them would mean I’d feel guilty for days and I wouldn’t want to write down that I ate it. So I didn’t.

The woman who sat down at Thanksgiving dinner this year will be different than the woman who sits down there next year.

I’m thankful this year for the courage to take my life back, for my husband who supports me in any way he can, amazing friends who encourage me and tell me I can do this and am worth it and most of all, the means to be able to do this.

Thanksgiving this year was full of belly laughs, friends and family. I am one lucky lady.

it’s that rock bottom thing.

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Life is a weird thing in how things happen. Things come and go. Friends come. And then they go. Jobs come. And yes, you guessed it, then they go. I’ve hit rock bottom in a lot of different ways. The last time I wrote about health, it was 2012. Since then:

  • I’ve gotten married and happily so.
  • I’ve changed jobs.
  • I’ve started battling depression.
  • I’ve lost weight.
  • I’ve gained weight.

Although life is seemingly wonderful, I’m trapped on the inside. Trying to figure out that one thing that ticks that keeps me from being truly happy. Because when I think about it — life is so good. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful bonus daughter, a career that I love, the best friends a girl could ask for and yet, I still tear myself down all the time. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and I know that won’t change unless I change.

It really started when I was 12 and in 7th grade. Junior High is literally the worst time for so many girls. Unless of course you’re on the inside then maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s not. I only know life from on the outside. In any case, I distinctly remember the Megan with the horribly annoying high pitched laugh, and the other Megan who was mad that I got to be the singing harp in Jack and the Beanstalk. I was teased without knowing I was being teased until one day I figured it out. Every poem in English class and joke about sausage was actually about me. Over 20 years later, and I still remember how it felt. 

It’s been the up and down since then and finally, at 32, I’m ready. I’m going to make drastic changes and I might lose friends, miss out on fun events, but I have to finally put myself first and finally make the changes I’ve needed to for the last 10 years to be in charge of my own life.

And much like before, I turn to this trusty blog to chronicle this big old mess called life.