thanksgiving.

I started my plan on Monday. Which meant three days of a cleanse and today was the first day “on plan.” (I’ll share more about what that means another day.) What a day for my first day to be on plan. It really meant that my husband ate for the both of us together. I kid, slightly. I enjoyed some turkey, sweet potatoes and a roll.

I had internal struggles throughout the day. My brain wanted wine because hello, it’s the holidays. But I enjoyed a La Croix water instead. I feel like I wait all year for my dad’s mashed potatoes. They are literally the best and I wait all year. ALL YEAR. But I knew eating them would mean I’d feel guilty for days and I wouldn’t want to write down that I ate it. So I didn’t.

The woman who sat down at Thanksgiving dinner this year will be different than the woman who sits down there next year.

I’m thankful this year for the courage to take my life back, for my husband who supports me in any way he can, amazing friends who encourage me and tell me I can do this and am worth it and most of all, the means to be able to do this.

Thanksgiving this year was full of belly laughs, friends and family. I am one lucky lady.

it’s that rock bottom thing.

Life is a weird thing in how things happen. Things come and go. Friends come. And then they go. Jobs come. And yes, you guessed it, then they go. I’ve hit rock bottom in a lot of different ways. The last time I wrote about health, it was 2012. Since then:

• I’ve gotten married and happily so.
• I’ve changed jobs.
• I’ve started battling depression.
• I’ve lost weight.
• I’ve gained weight.

Although life is seemingly wonderful, I’m trapped on the inside. Trying to figure out that one thing that ticks that keeps me from being truly happy. Because when I think about it — life is so good. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful bonus daughter, a career that I love, the best friends a girl could ask for and yet, I still tear myself down all the time. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and I know that won’t change unless I change.

It really started when I was 12 and in 7th grade. Junior High is literally the worst time for so many girls. Unless of course you’re on the inside then maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s not. I only know life from on the outside. In any case, I distinctly remember the Megan with the horribly annoying high pitched laugh, and the other Megan who was mad that I got to be the singing harp in Jack and the Beanstalk. I was teased without knowing I was being teased until one day I figured it out. Every poem in English class and joke about sausage was actually about me. Over 20 years later, and I still remember how it felt. 

It’s been the up and down since then and finally, at 32, I’m ready. I’m going to make drastic changes and I might lose friends, miss out on fun events, but I have to finally put myself first and finally make the changes I’ve needed to for the last 10 years to be in charge of my own life.

And much like before, I turn to this trusty blog to chronicle this big old mess called life.

marbles in a mason jar.

Well. Less than a year ago, I was running everyday. Eating well, and enjoying life to the fullest. It was the beginning of my first year of living on my own. A lot has changed since that time.Friendships have been gained, lost, and reconciled. Work has done a 180 for me. I’ve fallen in love, and I’m positive there are a lot of other boring things in there. 

I lost my mojo for everything over the winter. All my hard work of losing weight, and running and being on a good road was lost. 

So, time to pull it back together again.

 

So here we are. Beginning with a goal. My best friend, Jillian did this, so I was inspired by her. I think even more importantly, I talked to Ethan about my frustration with my current situation and my mother. And here I am again, blogging.

I know I can get on top of this again and a girl has to start somewhere, right? 

I’m Voting No because. . .

We all have our reasons around how we are going to vote in regard to MN’s Marriage Amendment vote. I certainly hope if you are reading this that you are going to vote no.

Here are my reasons why I am voting no:

I love my friends for who they are as individuals, not because of their sexual orientation.

I adore Matt because who else would whoop it up on the dance floor with me to a little Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston? I have never met someone who is more driven and has such a wonderfully big heart. It gives me joy to call him my friend and every time I see him, my entire heart smiles. I can only hope one day, when he meets the man of his life, that he will be able to have his fairy tale wedding here in Minnesota, and I can sob like a baby as he gets married.

Ryan. Who else will come over, drink a bottle of wine with me while I go on and on about the stupidity that is my love life? I may not see Ryan every day and sometimes months goes by without me seeing him, but he is no different than a straight man. He wants to love, be loved and quite frankly, I need to help plan his wedding right here in his hometown in MN. He makes the world a better place with his laughter and his spirit for life. Also, who else will have dance parties in courtyards with me?

And apparently, I have a lot of Ryans in my life. The other Ryan who has captured my heart – well we travel all around the WORLD – okay, the Twin Cities and eat Poutine. It’s our thing. Ryan is kind of like my soul-mate  We have spent hours talking about business, life, love and everything in between. I don’t want to live in a world where he doesn’t get to marry the man he loves.

What can I even say about Jason? Jason, you cray. Just kidding. Jason is one my favorite people in the world. No one makes me laugh as hard as he does. No one celebrates birthdays and welcomes people into his life much like Jason does. There is no limit on what I would do for Jason. He is a kind human being with a ginormous heart and as I have told him before – I will plan his wedding and I will be like Monica on friends. No detail will go unnoticed.

This amendment becomes more real when we put names, stories and faces to it. All these men in my life love just like my friends who are heterosexual and probably more. They are men with big hearts and even more? They are just like you. They wake up in the morning and go to work – just like you. They feel things – good, bad, and the ugly. Just like you.

They should have the right to get married – JUST LIKE YOU.

I want  to remind you what the amendment does: the amendment simply allows for conversations to continue to happen. If the amendment does not pass, same-sex marriage is still illegal in the state of MN. By allowing this amendment to pass – we would be saying in the Minnesota Constitution that marriage is only allowable between a man and a woman.

So remember to get out to the polls on November 6 and Vote NO on this amendment and remember my friends as you vote for you would love and adore them as much as I do.

Monster Dash 5K Recap

I was feeling some pretty serious anxiety over the fact that I was going to run a 5K on Saturday. I’ve “run” 5Ks before – mostly untrained. Most of them ended in tears. I was feeling “okay” about the Monster Dash. I wasn’t sure how it would go because I had only gotten half way through my 5K training and honestly had kind of abandoned it to go with running 5 minutes, and walking 1 minute intervals. It seemed like a good way to get through it without being sorely disappointed in myself.

I spent some time getting ready for the race on Saturday morning. I had painted my nails the night before. It felt silly to put on make-up to go run, but I generally feel more put together when I’ve thrown some make-up on. My costume for the race was a tutu I made and my Vote No t-shirt. Anyone who knows me, knows I am crazy about this election season. So why not make myself a walking political statement?

 

After I got ready, I went to a coffee shop down the street to get a small chai and a banana. The barista and I had a good conversation about the race and how adorable my tutu was. She wished me luck and I was on my way.

I didn’t truly understand how massive this race was and how stupid parking would be. I parked a few blocks away and walked to where the race would start. I was getting kind of nervous. As I was standing around, just observing everyone, a woman came up to me to thank me for my costume. We – okay, she talked about the amendment and how terrible it is. I just nodded along. We hugged a few times and I may have teared up a bit. But it was good – and I was happy to see other folks in tutus and their Vote No t-shirts.

So, the race.

It seriously took 5 minutes for me to even get to the starting line. That’s how large this race was. I found it difficult to break away from the crowd, but I also found the crowd energizing. I must have this weird issue with my emotions because when I was running at the end, I started to tear up. I think it was a mix of feeling proud of myself for not giving up – for only walking when I planned on it (for the most part) and for shaving 5 minutes off my time from last weekend.

There are a lot of people in my life who would probably be shocked I willingly ran 3.1 miles. Heck, in grade school, I mostly refused to run the 1 mile you had to do twice a year and now running is slowly becoming my sport of choice.

I was super grateful my friend Holly came to meet me at the finish line. I was grateful she came out even in this cold weather. I was attempting to spot her in the crowd as I ran up to the finish line but it’s really overwhelming when there are so many spectators.

So, I finished.. slowly. 41.55. Much faster than last weekend, but now I have a time to work to beat. So that’s exciting.

Also, I’m kind of obsessed with my finisher’s medal. I texted my dad later that night with a photo and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever won a medal before.”

Maybe next time I’ll actually invite my family. But I’m sure it would be super boring for them.

OKAY ONE MORE PHOTO OF HOW AWESOME MY MEDAL IS. (my shoes are cute, too.)

 

I have hives, but I have not lost my sarcasm.

Life has been sort of stupid lately. I don’t think I’ve talked about this or really mentioned it in detail. I’m still not going to rehash the details, but I’ve had this crazy epidemic of hives. I call it epidemic because I am a middle child and thus super dramatic. Actually, I’m just dramatic in general because I spent much of my younger years on stage.

In any case – these dang hives. I really have no clue what is causing them at this point. It’s super attractive to be in a work meeting and scratching the ever living daylights out of your arm.

Before you all try to play doctor on me, don’t. I am seeing an allergist in November. I hope the stick me with all kinds of needles and find out I am allergic to life and I can never work again.

I’m just kidding. But I am hoping they figure out what’s wrong because it’s made me pretty down in the dumps about everything, the antibiotic makes me sleepy and well, new hives spring up every day, and that’s just annoying.

On the bright side – I’m staying busy. It makes me dwell less on the situation at hand and time is flying by so the month I’m having to wait to get to the specialist is almost up.

The downside?

BEER GIVES ME HIVES.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a strong affinity to beer. So this makes me quite sad and I am not drinking beer right now. Don’t worry – I’m making up for the calories elsewhere.

Is anyone else running the Monster Dash 5K on Saturday? If you are, just look for the girl in the blue and orange tutu in support of MN United for all Families. You may also find me on the side of Lake Harriet curled up in a ball if I decide running a 5K is not in the cards. So really, this is a cry for help. Don’t leave me on the side of the road.

So, really.

Who is running this thing on Saturday? I need moral support.

I ran three miles.

Yesterday, I set out to run 3.1 miles. I somehow managed to survive this. So naturally, I felt I needed to capture this on film.

Vote No, Minnesota.

I am taking today off from talking about my stupid journey to talk about something that is quite frankly more near and dear to my heart.

On November 6, 2012, Minnesotans are going to the polls to vote on two amendments.  Today I’d like to tell you why I’m going to Vote No against the gay marriage amendment. This amendment will make it illegal in the state of Minnesota for same sex couples to marry. In fact, it’s still illegal today and will be illegal even if the amendment doesn’t pass. Opposing the amendment simply keeps the door open for conversation.

This amendment in its purest form is discrimination. It is saying, “Hey, you. Yeah, I know you’re gay and you didn’t choose this for yourself, but I’m just going to go ahead and say since homosexuality makes me uncomfortable, I’d like to take your freedom to marry away.”

WHAT. THE. DEUCE.

I have no right to tell two people who are in love that they can or cannot get married. I have been beyond blessed in my life to attract gay men into my life the same way tacos attract a good beer. I have learned so much from my friends since the ripe age of 17 when my first friend came out to me.

What people don’t realize (and this is all my personal opinion) is no one would choose a life in which they are discriminated against and judged day after day. Who wants to walk down the street and be called fag or some other derogatory comment? No one. I don’t want to live in a world where we start to take away freedoms from people.

I want to live in a world where I can go to happy hour with my friends, regardless of sexual orientation and gush over wedding plans. I want to live in a world where all my friends can feel comfortable to be who they are as individuals and not cut off parts of themselves or feel as though they need to “feel out” a crowd before saying, “Okay, I can be this person tonight.”

You want to know how opposing the gay marriage amendment might impact you? I have no idea because if you are a heterosexual, this won’t change your life. You won’t be discriminated against. No one is taking away your freedom to marry the person you love.

Could you imagine that? Imagine waking up tomorrow and someone came to you and said, “You can’t marry the person you love because you are straight.” Say that out loud and realize how infantile it is to even be talking about it.

My friends who are gay want the same opportunities to fight with spouses, screw up their kids and have a family the same way I will some day.

Don’t limit the freedom of my best friend to be able to get married. Vote No on November 6, Minnesota.

On running & weight-loss.

There’s this weirdness that comes with actually losing weight. It’s clothes fitting better, people noticing the changes you don’t notice with your body and the “OMG HOW ARE YOU DOING IT?” questions.

How am I doing it? I always jokingly say, “I’ve stopped eating.” But it’s kind of true. I mean, I still eat, but I’m very particular about what I’ll allow myself to eat. I’m pretty specific with it during the week and allow myself to be a little naughty over the weekend. Eggs? They are my best friend. I’ve always been really hard on programs such as Medifast. I say this because I want to figure out how to do this without losing the routine of my regular life. The reality is – sometimes I am on the run and I need to figure out how to eat on the run and not ruin myself. The other reality? Let’s say I am on the run and the easiest thing for me to do is to go through the McDonald’s drive-thru. I am not saying this is a good idea or do it all the time, but it is ONE meal. Guess what, dingbats, one meal isn’t going to make me gain five pounds. Get over it. And no, I have not eaten McDonald’s since I’ve started tracking what I eat. I am just saying. Subway continues to be my go-to “on the run” meal.

 

I really told myself I wasn’t going to make this blog about every single pound I lose. But I guess you have to celebrate something. I’ve lost 11 pounds. That feels fairly significant and worth writing about. To be able to say I’ve lost that much feels good. I may or may have not done this weird dance on the scale. And then I got off and had my hand over the mouth and kept thinking to myself, “NUH UH. NO WAY.” So then I got back on the scale to make sure it wasn’t lying. I was so perplexed because I weighed myself in the evening when I’d be at my heaviest, theoretically. So the next morning I woke up and weighed myself again just to be sure. And low and behold, I indeed lost 11 pounds and that feels good for so many reasons. I’m sticking to something and finding it works. I’m not compromising my social life and I am figuring it out on my own. No one is telling me what to eat or how to do it. And I like that.

 

I am becoming wildly obsessed with running. I am almost half-way through the Couch to 5K plan. I’m running a 5K before I finish the program. I thought it would just be fun to do it and it’s not about my time, or whether I run the whole thing. It’s about getting out there, being active and having FUN. There are so many times when I find myself running and I’m just smiling for no good reason. It’s stupid and feels great. So that photo. That photo I took after running on Monday. I had gone my longest distance without stopping and didn’t want to die. Progress is here and it’s happening.

And you, how are you? What good things can you tell me today?

Wallowing

All I want to do is lay in bed and watch movies and scratch my hives with ice cubes.

That’s my life now, guys. 

Fine.

I’ll go running tonight.

Get off my back.